Changes

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Anyway.  I’m starting a new blog.  My life is changing a lot, so I’m starting my blog journey over.

If you know me, and want the site, message me somehow.

Where everybody knows your name…

And they’re always glad you came…

Funny, because nobody there knows my full name.  I’m talking about the big A word: Anonymous.  12-step recovery programs.  Whoa, plural?  Yes, plural.

I’ve been going to Gambler’s Anonymous for almost a year now.  And I’ve been going to an “Anon” group for a few months now.  That’s the other side of addiction — being affected by someone else’s addiction.

I don’t even know how many people read this anymore, but just saying that out loud is huge for me… and really hard.

“I am only as sick as my secrets.”  And I feel like I’ve been keeping these things secret.  (I know I posted about GA here once before, but still)

Because I still feel so.much.shame.  About both these issues.

So, that’s all I’ve got for now.

Hospital revisited

So the very day of my last post (well, technically that night) I went back into the hospital.  Turns out my abscess came back.  Some combination of either the drain being pulled or the antibiotics being stopped too soon — or both.  Bleh.

Another 4 days in the hospital.  But, I was diligent with the pumping this time.  Regardless, she was fed 50/50 formula/milk while I was there, just because Andrew didn’t want me to feel to stressed or pressured.  Which is a relief.  We were actually able to put some milk in the freezer, too.  Then I got home and we went back to 100% milk, but I wasn’t quite keeping up with it, so we had to defrost some.  So right now we’re supplementing with about 25% formula.  I think I’m right around the right amount to feed her, but it’s close.  Anyway, I’m not sure what the right answer is, but we’ll figure it out…. probably by the time she starts eating solids. 😉

As for me, I’m getting better, I think.  I hope.  I’m on IV antibiotics (yes, at home)… Andrew’s been amazing doing those for me every morning.  I have another doctor’s appointment on Thursday.  Hopefully he has good news, that things are finally going away.  I just want to be better.

Unfortunately, we had to cancel our trip to the East Coast.  Just because there was no guarantee I’d be healthy by then, and even if I am, it would be a lot of energy to fly across the country… especially with a 3 month old.  So that sucks.

But on the plus side, I got an awesome new camera right before I got sick, and I’ve been taking lots of cool pictures.  I’ve even been taking a photography class at the the community college up the street. 🙂  I may want to do it for money at some point, but I’m not there yet, and just having fun with it so far. 🙂

Lactation cookies

Yesterday I made lactation cookies.  Despite the fact that my baby girl hasn’t had any formula since Friday, I am now a little paranoid, and would love to be able to create a freezer stash.  Even a small one.  I had zero built up stash when I went into the hospital.

Anyway, here are the cookies:

Image

I think they’re already making a difference.  Yesterday at 3am I pumped just over 4oz, today at 4am I pumped close to 6 1/2.  And I’ve been able to feed her entirely from my boobs, instead of having to add some that I pumped into a bottle.  So that’s progress!

She’s also back in cloth diapers.  Her rash seems to be gone *knock on wood.*

So things are slowly returning to normal…

My baby is in disposable diapers, and drinking formula, and I have to be OK with that

Oh yeah, and I can’t wear her right now.  A week ago, she was eating nothing but breast milk (though sometimes from a bottle! Gasp!), wearing cloth diapers, and I took her for a walk in the Ergo.  Now she’s drinking formula, wearing disposables, and I probably won’t be able to wear her for a while (though, I suppose Andrew still can).

So I’m a terrible parent, right?

No.  I’m not.

Friday night I started having some serious I-want-narcotics pain in my lower left side of my abdomen.  Sunday morning, the lighter and more delicate of my cats walked on my stomach, and the whole thing cramped.  I tried pepto, ginger ale, and anything else you can think of.  No dice.  So Sunday night, I went to the ER, and it turned out I had an abscess.  I just got home yesterday.  I spent 4 days in the hospital.  And am now a lot better, but still recovering, and tired, etc.

I didn’t feel well enough to breastfeed her Saturday or Sunday, but I tried to pump as much as I could.  But once I got to the hospital, I could barely sit up to pump as often as “oh my god my boobs are going to explode if I don’t pump!”  Which was about every 8 hours.  So, big surprise, my supply tanked.

So she’s taking formula.  And has a pretty nasty diaper rash, possibly related to the formula.  So she’s in disposable diapers.  And considering the problems were all in my abdomen, I probably shouldn’t wear her until I’m feeling better.  Though I think that last one is more a matter of convenience than anything else.

I know that feeding her enough, and taking care of her diaper rash are more important than anything we wanted to do.

But I still feel like a bad mom.  And I know I have to let go of that.  *sigh*

It’s not like I think other moms who give their children formula, or put them in disposable diapers, are bad moms.

The fact that I couldn’t sit up, in agonizing pain, and pump, does not make me a bad mom.  I am doing everything I can to get my supply back.  But I really hate the pressure I feel to breastfeed… even from Andrew.  I hope re-building my supply goes well.  Because there’s a part of me that just wants to throw in the towel. 😦

Hello baby!

OMG I have a baby.  A real eating, pooping, crying baby!  She does lots of all of those things.

Taking care of a tiny baby is hard.  Like, I knew it would be hard, but this is HARD.  I am exhausted a lot.

But honestly?  I wouldn’t change a thing.  I love her so much… even so much more than I ever dreamed.  Is this hard?  Yes.  Am I tired?  Yes.  But am I happy?  YES.  More than ever.

I was lucky enough to finally have a baby.  I had started to think this day would never come.  So I’m really not trying to complain here.

But, one side effect is little free time, for things like… oh, I don’t know, blogging. 😛  I have a few thoughts in my head to put down some time…. but that’s not now.

Hope to be back soon. ❤