I’m mostly ok with that.
So, we tried and tried for two years to get pregnant. Had two miscarriages. Saw a fertility doctor. January ’13 was somewhat of a new beginning, we were taking a different approach with the fertility treatments — the IUI with IVF level drugs. We’d also begun looking into adoption. I set us up for info sessions with three different agencies.
We’d done our first round of this IUI, and it failed… and were about to do a second round. But we had to wait, because the drugs had given me a cyst (and if you take fertility drugs with a cyst like that, it grows the cyst, and not the eggs, which is all kinds of no bueno). “But that won’t prevent you from ovulating, so you can still try on your own,” said Dr. Lady. I tried not to roll my eyes, thinking: yeah, right, ok… because that’s worked so well for us so far.
Way to prove me wrong, universe. Just when I’d given up hope, we got really, really, extremely lucky. We got pregnant by having sex. WHAT?! After all that?! REALLY!?
And then we attended all three info sessions with the adoption agencies anyway, somewhere around 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. We’d already set up the appointments, and being pregnant didn’t entirely rule out the possibility of adoption–what if I had another miscarriage? What if #2 just isn’t going to happen with our genes? It’s still not entirely off the table. But I digress.
Anyway. So we try and try and try, and the one month we can’t try as hard as we want, boom, I get pregnant. Just as we dip our toes in the adoption process, too.
Total. Effing. Cliche.
I say I’m mostly ok with that, because, well, all signs point to: OMG I’m going to have a baby. Which is amazing, and obviously the entire purpose of what seemed like an exercise in futility. So that part makes me happy.
The part I’m not ok with, is thinking people are going to use me as an example to give TTCers hope. “Relax” is about the last thing any of them want to hear. Anecdotes about so and so getting pregnant: after giving up on treatments, relaxed on vacation, after adopting… the list goes on and on of unlikely scenarios meant to be encouraging.
It’s not encouraging. It’s frustrating. When you are putting all of your time and energy, and a lot of times money, into trying and trying for this one thing you want more than anything in the whole world… someone telling you to relax really diminishes all that. At the least, it means the (presumably well meaning) person on the other end of the conversation has NO idea, and doesn’t know you that well. I had medical evidence, scientific tests done telling me that it was going to be really REALLY hard to conceive without the assistance of fertility treatments. Further, we’d done 3 unsuccessful IUIs with minimal medical intervention, another unsuccessful IUI with super drugs, and a failed IVF. IVF is supposed to give a couple the highest possible chance of becoming pregnant. Well, it didn’t work for us.
So, we got incredibly lucky to get pregnant without assistance. We have not, as yet, decided to go further down the winding adoption road than minimal investigation.
I’m not a cliche, I’m a GD outlier. Yes, these things happen. But it’s incredibly rare. I think they’re talked about/used as examples because it’s amazing when it happens, and it makes stories interesting. And it sticks in peoples’ minds.
Yet I don’t consider cases like mine those of hope, I consider it a case of luck, a huge coincidence, or twist of fate–I might even say act of God if I believed in one. Basically we got really effing lucky.
The cases of hope I like to think about, are the people I know who finally conceived after years of struggle, but persevered through the dark road of fertility treatments, or adoption. I know a few people who conceived through conventional IVF. I have a friend who conceived through donor egg IVF, and another who wasn’t successful until her THIRD donor egg IVF. I know people pursuing adoption, and those pursuing Embryo adoption. That’s all admirable, and true determination. These are the people that give me hope. Not your cousin’s friend’s hairdresser who got lucky in some fashion. I also know those that have been as far down whichever road, or both, as they’re comfortable… and made the difficult decision to stop, and live child-free. I admire them, too.
Anyway. Please remember that–I am an outlier, not a cliche.