Oh yeah, and I can’t wear her right now. A week ago, she was eating nothing but breast milk (though sometimes from a bottle! Gasp!), wearing cloth diapers, and I took her for a walk in the Ergo. Now she’s drinking formula, wearing disposables, and I probably won’t be able to wear her for a while (though, I suppose Andrew still can).
So I’m a terrible parent, right?
No. I’m not.
Friday night I started having some serious I-want-narcotics pain in my lower left side of my abdomen. Sunday morning, the lighter and more delicate of my cats walked on my stomach, and the whole thing cramped. I tried pepto, ginger ale, and anything else you can think of. No dice. So Sunday night, I went to the ER, and it turned out I had an abscess. I just got home yesterday. I spent 4 days in the hospital. And am now a lot better, but still recovering, and tired, etc.
I didn’t feel well enough to breastfeed her Saturday or Sunday, but I tried to pump as much as I could. But once I got to the hospital, I could barely sit up to pump as often as “oh my god my boobs are going to explode if I don’t pump!” Which was about every 8 hours. So, big surprise, my supply tanked.
So she’s taking formula. And has a pretty nasty diaper rash, possibly related to the formula. So she’s in disposable diapers. And considering the problems were all in my abdomen, I probably shouldn’t wear her until I’m feeling better. Though I think that last one is more a matter of convenience than anything else.
I know that feeding her enough, and taking care of her diaper rash are more important than anything we wanted to do.
But I still feel like a bad mom. And I know I have to let go of that. *sigh*
It’s not like I think other moms who give their children formula, or put them in disposable diapers, are bad moms.
The fact that I couldn’t sit up, in agonizing pain, and pump, does not make me a bad mom. I am doing everything I can to get my supply back. But I really hate the pressure I feel to breastfeed… even from Andrew. I hope re-building my supply goes well. Because there’s a part of me that just wants to throw in the towel. 😦