Hospital revisited

So the very day of my last post (well, technically that night) I went back into the hospital.  Turns out my abscess came back.  Some combination of either the drain being pulled or the antibiotics being stopped too soon — or both.  Bleh.

Another 4 days in the hospital.  But, I was diligent with the pumping this time.  Regardless, she was fed 50/50 formula/milk while I was there, just because Andrew didn’t want me to feel to stressed or pressured.  Which is a relief.  We were actually able to put some milk in the freezer, too.  Then I got home and we went back to 100% milk, but I wasn’t quite keeping up with it, so we had to defrost some.  So right now we’re supplementing with about 25% formula.  I think I’m right around the right amount to feed her, but it’s close.  Anyway, I’m not sure what the right answer is, but we’ll figure it out…. probably by the time she starts eating solids. 😉

As for me, I’m getting better, I think.  I hope.  I’m on IV antibiotics (yes, at home)… Andrew’s been amazing doing those for me every morning.  I have another doctor’s appointment on Thursday.  Hopefully he has good news, that things are finally going away.  I just want to be better.

Unfortunately, we had to cancel our trip to the East Coast.  Just because there was no guarantee I’d be healthy by then, and even if I am, it would be a lot of energy to fly across the country… especially with a 3 month old.  So that sucks.

But on the plus side, I got an awesome new camera right before I got sick, and I’ve been taking lots of cool pictures.  I’ve even been taking a photography class at the the community college up the street. 🙂  I may want to do it for money at some point, but I’m not there yet, and just having fun with it so far. 🙂

My baby is in disposable diapers, and drinking formula, and I have to be OK with that

Oh yeah, and I can’t wear her right now.  A week ago, she was eating nothing but breast milk (though sometimes from a bottle! Gasp!), wearing cloth diapers, and I took her for a walk in the Ergo.  Now she’s drinking formula, wearing disposables, and I probably won’t be able to wear her for a while (though, I suppose Andrew still can).

So I’m a terrible parent, right?

No.  I’m not.

Friday night I started having some serious I-want-narcotics pain in my lower left side of my abdomen.  Sunday morning, the lighter and more delicate of my cats walked on my stomach, and the whole thing cramped.  I tried pepto, ginger ale, and anything else you can think of.  No dice.  So Sunday night, I went to the ER, and it turned out I had an abscess.  I just got home yesterday.  I spent 4 days in the hospital.  And am now a lot better, but still recovering, and tired, etc.

I didn’t feel well enough to breastfeed her Saturday or Sunday, but I tried to pump as much as I could.  But once I got to the hospital, I could barely sit up to pump as often as “oh my god my boobs are going to explode if I don’t pump!”  Which was about every 8 hours.  So, big surprise, my supply tanked.

So she’s taking formula.  And has a pretty nasty diaper rash, possibly related to the formula.  So she’s in disposable diapers.  And considering the problems were all in my abdomen, I probably shouldn’t wear her until I’m feeling better.  Though I think that last one is more a matter of convenience than anything else.

I know that feeding her enough, and taking care of her diaper rash are more important than anything we wanted to do.

But I still feel like a bad mom.  And I know I have to let go of that.  *sigh*

It’s not like I think other moms who give their children formula, or put them in disposable diapers, are bad moms.

The fact that I couldn’t sit up, in agonizing pain, and pump, does not make me a bad mom.  I am doing everything I can to get my supply back.  But I really hate the pressure I feel to breastfeed… even from Andrew.  I hope re-building my supply goes well.  Because there’s a part of me that just wants to throw in the towel. 😦

High Blood Pressure

So I went to my PCP for my cold/throat thing, and got antibiotics, which are already helping me feel better.

Unfortunately, I apparently also have high blood pressure.  It’s been a little high the past few times I had it taken, but never this high.  Apparently both my brothers have high BP too, and it tends to be genetic.  Suck.

So now I go on blood pressure meds, and try the advice every TTC hates: relax.

Ugh.