October 15th

Ok, so that was yesterday.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day.  It’s meant to remember all the babies lost… babies that were never met, those born sleeping, those met too briefly, and those that went home but did not stay.

Last year I was on a plane home from a wedding, so I didn’t really participate.  This year, I was home, and able to light a candle at 7pm.

Candle

 

The little pumpkin is from our maternity photo shoot – meant to represent our little pumpkin, who will never know the siblings we lost on our journey to her.

When Andrew got home, we went through our memorial box together.  Talked, cried, and hugged.  It was a good.  We don’t talk about it often, especially now that there’s a baby on the way.

I love this little girl, and can’t wait to meet her — we are so excited.  But that doesn’t make my heart hurt any less for what we lost.  Even in the face of happiness, it’s really hard not to think about the “what ifs.”

There’s more going on, but that’s all I’ve got for now.

So…

roller_coaster

So, in the last like 4 days, I feel like my life has turned into this.

I should preface this with: baby girl is doing fine!  It’s not really about that.  My BP is consistently higher than I’d like, but not in the “call the doctor” zone they gave me.  I have another growth scan and appointment on Thursday, so I’ll ask if we should (further) up my meds.  And I know part of that is my slightly tight BP cuff.  I ordered a bigger one, and it doesn’t have the right plug for my machine (even though I called the company and asked which one to order!  Grr!) so I’m just using the one I’ve got, knowing it’ll run a little high, but give me a decent picture — so, better than *not* taking my BP at home.  If it gets super high, I’ll probably run to a drug store and take it there.

ANYway.  The roller coaster part is, I’m almost 7 months pregnant.  And we’re still considering a huge life change (besides the upcoming baby).  I don’t want to post too much about it until we know more.  It could be many months before we make something happen.  Or maybe not.  We’ll see.