Lactation cookies

Yesterday I made lactation cookies.  Despite the fact that my baby girl hasn’t had any formula since Friday, I am now a little paranoid, and would love to be able to create a freezer stash.  Even a small one.  I had zero built up stash when I went into the hospital.

Anyway, here are the cookies:


I think they’re already making a difference.  Yesterday at 3am I pumped just over 4oz, today at 4am I pumped close to 6 1/2.  And I’ve been able to feed her entirely from my boobs, instead of having to add some that I pumped into a bottle.  So that’s progress!

She’s also back in cloth diapers.  Her rash seems to be gone *knock on wood.*

So things are slowly returning to normal…


October 15th

Ok, so that was yesterday.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day.  It’s meant to remember all the babies lost… babies that were never met, those born sleeping, those met too briefly, and those that went home but did not stay.

Last year I was on a plane home from a wedding, so I didn’t really participate.  This year, I was home, and able to light a candle at 7pm.



The little pumpkin is from our maternity photo shoot – meant to represent our little pumpkin, who will never know the siblings we lost on our journey to her.

When Andrew got home, we went through our memorial box together.  Talked, cried, and hugged.  It was a good.  We don’t talk about it often, especially now that there’s a baby on the way.

I love this little girl, and can’t wait to meet her — we are so excited.  But that doesn’t make my heart hurt any less for what we lost.  Even in the face of happiness, it’s really hard not to think about the “what ifs.”

There’s more going on, but that’s all I’ve got for now.

I feel like a total cliche

I’m mostly ok with that.

So, we tried and tried for two years to get pregnant.  Had two miscarriages.  Saw a fertility doctor.  January ’13 was somewhat of a new beginning, we were taking a different approach with the fertility treatments — the IUI with IVF level drugs.  We’d also begun looking into adoption.  I set us up for info sessions with three different agencies.

We’d done our first round of this IUI, and it failed… and were about to do a second round.  But we had to wait, because the drugs had given me a cyst (and if you take fertility drugs with a cyst like that, it grows the cyst, and not the eggs, which is all kinds of no bueno).  “But that won’t prevent you from ovulating, so you can still try on your own,” said Dr. Lady.  I tried not to roll my eyes, thinking: yeah, right, ok… because that’s worked so well for us so far.

Way to prove me wrong, universe.  Just when I’d given up hope, we got really, really, extremely lucky.  We got pregnant by having sex.  WHAT?!  After all that?!  REALLY!?

And then we attended all three info sessions with the adoption agencies anyway, somewhere around 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant.  We’d already set up the appointments, and being pregnant didn’t entirely rule out the possibility of adoption–what if I had another miscarriage?  What if #2 just isn’t going to happen with our genes?  It’s still not entirely off the table.  But I digress.

Anyway.  So we try and try and try, and the one month we can’t try as hard as we want, boom, I get pregnant.  Just as we dip our toes in the adoption process, too.

Total. Effing. Cliche.

I say I’m mostly ok with that, because, well, all signs point to: OMG I’m going to have a baby.  Which is amazing, and obviously the entire purpose of what seemed like an exercise in futility.  So that part makes me happy.

The part I’m not ok with, is thinking people are going to use me as an example to give TTCers hope.  “Relax” is about the last thing any of them want to hear.  Anecdotes about so and so getting pregnant: after giving up on treatments, relaxed on vacation, after adopting… the list goes on and on of unlikely scenarios meant to be encouraging.

It’s not encouraging.  It’s frustrating.  When you are putting all of your time and energy, and a lot of times money, into trying and trying for this one thing you want more than anything in the whole world… someone telling you to relax really diminishes all that.  At the least, it means the (presumably well meaning) person on the other end of the conversation has NO idea, and doesn’t know you that well.  I had medical evidence, scientific tests done telling me that it was going to be really REALLY hard to conceive without the assistance of fertility treatments.  Further, we’d done 3 unsuccessful IUIs with minimal medical intervention, another unsuccessful IUI with super drugs, and a failed IVF.  IVF is supposed to give a couple the highest possible chance of becoming pregnant.  Well, it didn’t work for us.

So, we got incredibly lucky to get pregnant without assistance.  We have not, as yet, decided to go further down the winding adoption road than minimal investigation.

I’m not a cliche, I’m a GD outlier.  Yes, these things happen.  But it’s incredibly rare.  I think they’re talked about/used as examples because it’s amazing when it happens, and it makes stories interesting.  And it sticks in peoples’ minds.

Yet I don’t consider cases like mine those of hope, I consider it a case of luck, a huge coincidence, or twist of fate–I might even say act of God if I believed in one.  Basically we got really effing lucky.

The cases of hope I like to think about, are the people I know who finally conceived after years of struggle, but persevered through the dark road of fertility treatments, or adoption.  I know a few people who conceived through conventional IVF.  I have a friend who conceived through donor egg IVF, and another who wasn’t successful until her THIRD donor egg IVF.  I know people pursuing adoption, and those pursuing Embryo adoption.  That’s all admirable, and true determination.  These are the people that give me hope.  Not your cousin’s friend’s hairdresser who got lucky in some fashion.  I also know those that have been as far down whichever road, or both, as they’re comfortable… and made the difficult decision to stop, and live child-free.  I admire them, too.

Anyway.  Please remember that–I am an outlier, not a cliche.


In Vino Veritas

This weekend we went to Andrew’s college reunion.  Pretty much in the middle of nowhere.  And slept in his Freshman dorm (though at least not the exact room, thankfully, as that was on the third floor).  When we planned this trip back in Late Feb/Early March, I pointed out to him that I might be pregnant, to which his response was something along the lines of, “yeah, but even if you are, you won’t be that pregnant.”  Gee, thanks hon.

So Thursday night we took the Red Eye, and arrived at our destination around 9am Friday morning.  Had a disappointing breakfast (how do you screw up eggs, home fries and bacon?) and then took a long nap.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I was excited about meeting some of his college friends.  Who were all varying degrees of awesome, but awesome nonetheless.  The logistics of the trip, however, I was not looking forward to in the slightest.  The red eye, the college dorms, the middle of nowhere small town.  Yup.  The ideal 14-weeks-pregnant vacation. 😛  Boy do I love my husband.  Oh, and PS, of his friends group I asked if there were any other spouses expected to tag along, he said one or two, but they had also attended the same school.  (Which, of course, I did not).

Anyway, long story short, I did as a whole have fun.  The two of us went out for a fancy dinner Friday night, and that helped, I think.  But yes, his friends were great.  Much fun was had, and many drinks were consumed (not by me, of course, though I did live on the edge one day and have a second caffeinated soda!).

Speaking of, Saturday night Andrew drank, a lot.  I’d kind of anticipated at least one night of awful drunkenness, and he was catching up with old buddies, so I wasn’t going to object too much.  Early in the weekend we found out one of his friends is newly expecting #2.  🙂  At some point on Saturday, I think, he asked another friend about having kids (which I guess even my husband doesn’t realize it’s a touchy thing to ask, but then these are like his closest friends ever, so…) and, as the friend put it, they’d had a few “false starts.”  Two miscarriages and a stillbirth. 😦  I just feel so bad for anyone that’s experienced that sort of thing.  It’s so unfair.  And then I felt mildly like an ass for pointing out that I’m pregnant every 5 minutes.  (Ok, nowhere near that often, but you get my point).

To my point.  In A’s drunkenness, (and he got *really* drunk) he got weepy (that’s the polite way of saying I think it’s the only time I’ve ever seen him cry).  He was talking about how he loves his friends, and he wants them all to be happy, and have little babies (if they want them).  And he was really sad about what that friend has been through, and even admitted that our miscarriage was like the worst year of his life. 😦  I mean, I kinda could’ve figured that, I guess, but it’s the first time he’s said anything quite like that.  He’s way better than he used to be, but he’s not exactly the most open about his feelings and such–until he’s drunk.

So, anyway.  That was my weekend.  Long, exhausting, less-than-ideal accommodations, and especially food… A turned me into a foodie and then drags me to the middle of nowhere, ugh!  But, ultimately a good weekend, and I’m glad I went. 🙂

P.S. Doctor’s appointment in about an hour.  It was supposed to be this morning, but got rescheduled because my doctor had to go in for a delivery.  We’re supposed to hear the heartbeat for the first time. 😀  Update on that later.

Prenatal Yoga

I hate being that cliche, I get pregnant and then stop blogging.  I’m trying to get better at that.

Anyway, I went to my first yoga class ever today.  I think I really enjoyed it.  I’m hoping it’ll help with the blood pressure.  I got a little light headed about halfway through, after lots of head up and down and up and down.  So she had me sit out for a few minutes until I felt better.  Next time I either won’t bow my head so low, or at least take it a lot slower.  Regardless, I liked it, and think it was worthwhile.  Even if I was, by far, the earliest along expectant mother there.  The next closest one was like 25 weeks.

Today was my first Sunday off in forever, and it was awesome.  I finally told my boss I wanted Sundays off.  I had 0 days off a week with Andrew, and that gets real old real quick.  It was our first day off together (without doctor’s appointments) in a really long time.  We decided to set  up some things in the nursery, and they turned out super cute.  I know it’s really early, but oh well, it was fun. 🙂

Maybe I just really like being ahead of the game. 😛

Otherwise things are going relatively well.  Every few days I’ll get a terrible case of nausea — I came home from work early on Tuesday because I just felt that awful.  But it doesn’t seem that bad overall, and ginger ale and potato chips seem to help.  And my new shoes seem to keep my feet from swelling too bad.  Otherwise I’m just hungry all the time.

What a day!

Its a tough decision whether I was looking forward to my dentist appointment, or spending the rest of the day with my in laws (while Andrew was at work) less.

Hey, at least the dentist has laughing gas.

But the bad news is, I need some gum work done.  Yuck.  And somewhat related, I may never get my gum health up to 100% as long as I’m a dirty mouth breather.  I’ve been one for 30 years.  Really hard to change now.  Ugh.

Shortly before the IVF, i took our cats in for a checkup, and they needed dental work.  So I figured it was time to grow up and take better care of my own teeth (and Andrew too).  Sad what the motivation was, but a good idea regardless of the impetus.  Four months of good dental hygiene practice, and my gums are a little better, but still bad.  sigh.  I have an appointment with a periodontist now.  Fun.

Blah blah blah, I’m rambling.  I need to try and stop being a dirty mouth breather.  Whee.

Speaking of cats to the vet, I took Zeus this afternoon for compulsive licking hair loss.  Minor allergies, vet wasn’t concerned.

And I finally set an appointment with the third adoption agency.  They don’t have specific info sessions here, so it’ll be an individual meeting.

So that and entertaining the in-laws was my day today.  Just a big bag of random.

PS I assume I ovulated, but never got a positive OPK, so I’m not sure.  Meh, whatever.